With shaking hands and a smile on my face, i write this to you Many of you will not see this but not likely that I actually care. Depending on how I feel determines whether I’ll be walking into school tomorrow or if i’ll just be leaving it all behind tonight.
For a longer time than not, I’ve done so much shit in this world that now I think i can officially say: broke me. It really sucks. I’ve always felt alone and uncomfortable in my own skin for the past 8 years. I just can’t continue to go on. The thing that really blows is that i cannot tag people in this apology so they can see this and know that this is 100% heart felt and i mean every word. I know i seriouslly named dropped but don’t worry, the only people that follow me are actual class mates that give a fuck about me *sighs* here goes it
Kalia Gallo: you’re getting one because when I was really, really uncomfortable with my own skin, i stole your Facebook pictures and faked being you on many sites. Looking back on it i feel sick inside. It was 100% wrong and i hate myself even more doing it. I just wanted momentary happiness and to feel important. I knew it was wrong and many times i deleted the profiles but for some odd reason, i couldn’t let the Facebook account go. I felt like i was somebody who was actually wanted by people. I felt important and it went to my head. I should have stopped myself but for reason that got in my way. I’m happy it all finally caught up to me because I became done with it. You personally didn’t want to destroy my life out of it. You should have went to the police and told them everything but you were kind enough to just leave it between us and your best friend. Nobody had ever been that nice to me in real life before that day. For that, I am forever in your debt. Thank you. I’m not writing to be an asshole like “ha ha, you let me get away with it.” I say it because it opened my eyes that people can be that sweet in life.
Courtney Kurtz: I don’t know. I’ve always been on the fence with you and your relation ship advice. I never thought you could properly handle the shit between me and now i see that you were pretty much spot on most of the times. Maybe you weren’t the best with David, but when it came to understanding Leandra, you and Emily were the best cleaning up the destructive, unneeded messes I made. I wish I didn’t have this judgmental mindset towards you. You helped me out in so many places and protected people when I was a complete and absolute cunt. Yeah, I talked my fair share of shit about you and i never prided in that. I was angry that somebody was only looking out for other people. I know I got really put out when you told Leandra about the hook up that I had with Raven but I totally forgot about it. I thought it wasn’t major but me being a shitty person cheated yet again with Leandra and justified it with the statement “we were on break”. Honest to god there isn’t an okay thing about that at all. I’m just happy now that i knew you and honoured to be able to classify me as a friend at one point. Friends is not something I’ve ever really had.
Emily Falcone: Hey I’ve treated you like Courtney until this year. I just regret taking Cate’s word as law and treating you like shit. I’m happy I heard the full story and turning around my act fast. The earth needs more people like you. You care about what’s important, you don’t really take sides until it needs to happen. You’re 100% drama free and a really positive person to be around You helped me out in this recent fiasco and even though it didn’t end up how I wanted but you helped me get through. If i ever kill myself through this ordeal, I want to apologize now for not listening and staying strong. i knew i should have but i took the easy way out like i always have in this life. I’m not as strong as i pretend to be. I’m not anything that I say I am. I’m currently faking faking because nobody taught me how to be myself but you and the current group of friends that I’ll miss dearly but i’ll always look down on in a good way watching as your lives go on. I’m just going to stop here. I’m sorry
Gabriella Faith Burns: I’m sorry for faking being somebody else while dating you. I’m even sorrier i cheated on you during that relationship to. I just felt like I should take what i could get because I never had much attraction come my way. BUT YOU USED SOMEBODY ELSE’S PHOTO! Yes, I know that. I don’t know if I got you with my personality or the photo. I lied to myself most times saying it was my personality but lets be honest, I used to be an extremely shitty person. I thought it was the only way that you’d ever like me. We related on so much. So many times I wanted to come clean but i was afraid I would lose you because I told the truth. I lost so many people in the past because i told them the truth. I’m happy you finally found happiness with others and it brings a smile to myself. Except you cannot continue hiding who you date darling. Be proud of who you date. My advice to you is run to the nearest cliff and scream “i love _______ and i’m no longer hiding it.” Scream it until you’re on the ground panting, horse from all the yelling but have a smile on your face. Don’t argue Gabby Babby Bear. Just do it. Be proud of yourself.
Casey Sardo: honest to god, this is one of the more painful things to write but it needs to be said. I’m sorry I failed to be there for you when you needed it the most. I honestly cannot handle seeing my friends in that kind of shape. It haunts me and kills me inside that there is nothing that i can do to help you and now I understand if you don’t want me around. I just couldn’t bear facing you not because of your problems but because I was so self-centred that I didn’t want to break down and seem weak. Honestly, I should have done it anyway. The old me valued face image and self-preservation over friendship. It was because I cope with my problems by throwing up a million walls because I’ve been hurt several times in my life and i used those as excuses to justify why i never came around. i used sports as an excuse to never show up. So many times I found myself either outside your house or on your street trying to get the damned courage to just walk up and ring the bell and just visit you but for some odd reason I just couldn’t. I’m not ashamed of many things in life but this is one of them. I wish i could go back and press the door bell so i would have to face everything, suck it up and be the friend that I claimed to be.
Zoe Zatz: I kind of tagged you not as I need to apologise for all the shit i’ve done to you and should have done this better. it’s a thank you for being my very first best friend. You have been there for me since almost day one at bergen tech. I remembered all the nicknames i gave you. Slappy, Mom, Carrot Top, Ginger Ninja (oh wait that was you) Captain Carrot and the mean tomato. I used that exactly once before you gave me the death stare which made my soul stop in its tracks and take about eleventy bamillion steps backwards. You put up with my shit no matter what. Even when i was a complete asshole to you, you always seemed to not really care and rolled your eyes. It was great. I had somebody for once in my life who knew when you took on the tag of best friend that you become thick as thieves. Maybe not attached at the hip but you’ve done the most for me out of everyone that I ever called a friend. Yes, she’s done more than Leandra and I think you’ve earned the title of Friend of the Years and All Years to Come. If there was a friend scale set from one to ten, you blew it up and the highest you could get is still being determined. Actually, no number or rating system could ever properly describe how i feel about our friendship. Words in every language fail me so I’ll say it in a language I know that you love a lot. 정말 감사합니다. You are literally one of the two things that kept me hanging on when i just wanted to quit, lay down and die.
Leandra Michelli: The amount of stuff i want to say is going to be edited down heavily because my I’m already crying hysterically, i can barely see right now and barely holding myself together. I am sorry for everything. The lies, the broken promises, the cheating, hiding things from you, hurting you, putting you down for fun, objectifying you as a sex object instead of a girlfriend, controlling you, never listening to you, not being there for you, going on “breaks” just so i could hook up with somebody else, never thanking you for anything and just being a complete douche to the person I loved the most. I will never be able to take back the words and actions I’ve done and said to you. i can never hate you. Not if i tried. In my heart there is no space for hating you. I might not like you for making me face who i really am many times but you kind of made me into a man. Now, I’m better at admitting when I’m in the wrong but today was just my emotions got the better of me because the outcome that I wanted didn’t happen then I went around in all the wrong ways in trying to protect myself because I got really hurt. I’m slowly trying to get over you. I hurt so bad that I’m writing this letter not as a way of saying “bye, I’m committing suicide so I’m going to leave a note for y’all to cry over” no. This is me, making peace with several of my demons that eat me alive. I’m starting the process of getting over you and it’s going to suck. I’m the problem here. I’ve been putting so much pressure on you thinking about myself and i couldn’t bear the thought of you with another person. I saw a future for us a day late and a damned dollar short so I’m squaring up and taking my comeuppance like i should have a loooong time ago. That’s not the point. Through thick and thin and the many sketchy break ups and breaks, you always allowed me back in. I’m not laughing at you but i’m thanking you because you were what made me the happiest. I really need to stop here because I think i’m about to start choking on my own tears if that’s even possib;e
If you read down all the way to here, I would like to assure you that there is a 90% chance that I will not kill myself, When i’m hit with a deeply hurting event, i tend to get really suicidal and the voices in my head start going and I just turn into a mental trainwreck. Generally I come out of it unharmed in clean but I really needed to type this because after all that. I feel like i got a ton of weights off my chest. Thank you for reading through this entire message because it was like a miniature damn novel which i have never written before for anybody. It just meant a lot that you see it and understand that this needed to happen no matter what.